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Hate

Shut up .. stop talking ..
The universe is not about you ..
You are nothing ..
You are just a stupid worthless little piece of s*** ..
You deserve pain .. punishment .. and hate ..
Nothing can heal your wounds ..
Your infected dirty open wounds ..
They will keep bleeding slowly ..
Untill you die one day ..
Some of them will leave deep scars on your body ..
To remind you always of what you are ..
Of what you have gone through ..
You just can’t run away of your past ..
You just can’t simply forget your memories ..
No matter how hard you try ..
No matter how much you try to distract yourself ..
You will fail ..
Because you see the scars ..
You feel the pain in the wounds ..
You see the place ..
You see that face ..
You just can’t run away from it ..
You just can’t ..
You think of giving up ..
Your head is so full of thoughts ..
Dark and dangerous thoughts ..
And then you enter that struggle ..
The struggle between you and yourself ..
To do it ..
Or to hold on a little bit longer ..
Hoping that maybe tomorrow a new solution may pop up ..
You fight ..
You struggle ..
You lose all your power ..
But at the end ..
You are still this awful weak little afraid person ..
With all of this misery ..
Looking for help sometimes ..
And ashamed to ask for it in other times ..
You know what ..
Just shut up ..
Don’t bother people with you ..
Those who really care will ask ..
Before you even talk ..
But ..
Wait a minute ..
Look around you ..
You have none of those ..
Because who cares about you ..
I told you ..
You don’t deserve anything ..
Stop expecting anything ..
Go ahead ..
Do it ..
Cut yourself ..
Burn yourself ..
Do what you want ..
Who cares ..
You are alone ..
You will always be alone ..
I know what you want to do ..
You want to harm that part of you ..
That specific part of your body ..
Because it has been touched ..
Because it makes you feel dirty ..
That part that gives you the pleasure and the escape from reality for a while ..
The escape and the pleasure that you don’t want ..
Because you don’t deserve that ..
You shouldn’t feel the pleasure ..
You can’t just escape ..
You should feel the pain ..
You should feel the broken and wounded soul you have ..
That’s your life ..
That’s what you deserve ..
I hate you ..
And I hate that I have to live with you ..
But sometimes I feel sorry for you ..
I don’t know what else shall I say ..
Your friend ..
Rejected you ..
Whenever she want ..
And then ..
She want you ..
Whenever she want ..
And you can’t say anything ..
You just have this feeling all the time telling you to control yourself and wait for what she says and what she wants ..
You do what she want ..
You let her feel good ..
But you can’t feel good ..
You can’t let her take what she want ..
Because it makes you very uncomfortable ..
She want that part of your body ..
But you can’t ..
And she doesn’t want to take what you want her to take of you ..
The other part of you ..
So you are left alone ..
You wait for her to go to the bathroom ..
And you try to give yourself what she didn’t give you ..
You want to feel the pleasure ..
You want to let go of this feeling ..
But you feel so sad about it ..
You feel so sad about yourself ..
You hate it ..
You stop it ..
You cry ..
And you wish you don’t have this feeling ..
Because who are you to think that you can have a moment of pleasure ..
Who do you think you are ..
You are still this little piece of s*** ..
Don’t forget that ..
So think again ..
Do you want to harm that part of your body ..
To stop feeling the pleasure ..
The pleasure that you don’t deserve ..
Maybe it’s what you must do ..
To git rid of the tension ..
The tension you get whenever you have to struggle between feeling like that or feeling that you don’t deserve it and it’s wrong ..
You have already tried to harm it and you faild ..
But ..
Try again ..
Try harder ..
This is maybe what you should have done before ..
Maybe this is going to help you ..

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كفى ..

لست أقوى على المزيد من التظاهر .. لم يعد بإمكاني إخفاء ما يسكن بداخلي من مشاعر متضاربة كأمواج البحر العاتية في ليلة شتوية عاصفة ..
أود الصراخ .. أود البكاء .. أود أن آخذ الأشياء التي أمامي وأكسرها .. فأنا لم أعد أهتم ..
لم أعد قادرة على الابتسام لمن هم معي .. أجد في ذلك صعوبة كبيرة .. وكأن تحريك شفتاي أشبه بدفع شاحنة معطلة قد فرغت عجلاتها من الهواء .. أحاول دفعها بقوة ولكنها لا تتحرك ..
تخيفني في بعض الأحيان ضربات قلبي المتسارعة بلا سبب .. والألم المزعج الحاد جهة قلبي .. تجعلني أفكر أحيانا أنني ربما أحتضر .. ولكنني أخبر نفسي أنها فقط نوبات الهلع .. وسوف تذهب .. وعلي أن أهدأ .. لكني لم أعد قادرة على الهدوء .. لم أعد قادرة على التظاهر بأنني بخير .. أو أنني سأكون بخير .. فأنا لا أشعر بذلك مطلقا ..
حاولت أن أبين لنفسي أنني إنسانة لا تزال قادرة على العطاء .. ولكنني في عين نفسي لازلت الشخص نفسه .. الشخص المكسور .. الناقص .. المتألم .. المحتاج للحب والأمان .. الضعيف .. والمهتز ..
عندما أراني بهذه الصورة .. أكرهني .. كثيرا .. فأنا أعيش في تناقض أكرهه .. وفي بعض الأحيان .. تبدأ الأفكار بالسيطرة على عقلي .. أفكار خبيثة بأن أؤذي نفسي ..
وتبدأ حالة من الصراع مع نفسي .. بين خوفي من أذية نفسي .. وبين إصرار نفسي على فعل هذا الأمر ..
يرهقني الصراع .. والتفكير ..
قد أترك غرفتي .. وفي بعض الأحيان حتى بيتي .. وأخرج .. لأنني ضعيفة .. لأنني أخاف ..
قد أبكي كثيرا .. وقد يستمر الوضع لبضعة أيام ..
والنتيجة تختلف .. بحسب الوضع ..
لكني في آخر مرة .. استسلمت ..
لم أواجه .. تصرفت دون تفكير ..
فقد تعبت ..
أحس بإرهاق شديد لا أستطيع وصفه ..
ليس كالإرهاق الجسدي .. بل هو أسوأ ..
هو إرهاق نفسي .. من كثرة ما مررت به من انتكاسات وتجارب ..
الآن هاهو العيد قادم .. بعد يومين ..
ولكني لا أشعر أنني مستعدة له أبدا ..
لا أود رؤية أحد ..
لا أود التظاهر بالفرح .. والابتسام .. والحديث مع الناس ..
أود أن أقضي يومي في فراشي .. وكفى ..
لكني أعلم أن ذلك لن يحدث ..
أشعر أن العيد سيأخذ ماتبقى من طاقتي ..
ولا أعلم ما سيتبقى لي من بعده ..
الحمدلله على كل حال ..

depression, panic, اكتئاب، هلع،

نوبة هلع

في بعض الأحيان ..
أكون جالسة بمفردي ..
أو ربما بين جماعة من الناس ..
وفجأة ..
ودون سابق إنذار ..
تبدأ ضربات قلبي بالتسارع ..
وتزداد سرعة تنفسي ..
وأبدأ بالشعور بثقل على صدري ..
يضمه ضما عنيفا ..
فأرتبك ..
وأخاف ..
وقد تبدو على ملامحي معالم الانبهار ..
والخوف ..
والرهبة ..
مما قد يكون السبب في ذلك ..
فالأفكار تأخذني في كل جانب ..
وترميني لا قوة لي ولا حيلة ..
كم أحاول كثيرا طرد تلك الأفكار ..
والتصرف بهدوء ..
وأخذ نفس عميق ..
ولكن ذلك أصبح لا يجدي مؤخرا ..
فمقدار القلق والتوتر قد أصبحا أكبر من ذي قبل ..
ولا تجدي الطرق البسيطة في التصرف معهما ..
لا أعلم ما الحل ..
غير اللجوء إلى الله..
وانتظار الفرج ..
الذي قد طال كثيرا ..
تعبت ..
وأصبحت لا أود فعل شيء سوى الاستلقاء في فراشي ..
وفعل لا شيء ..
سوى ربما النوم ..
فهو المهرب الوحيد ..
من تلك الأفكار ..
ومن الخوف والقلق اللذان يبحران بي في كل جانب ..
فقدت الرغبة بالتحدث للأشخاص من حولي ..
أصبحت أنطوي على ذاتي في حجرتي على سريري ..
أتقلب يمينا وشمالا ..
وأفكر ..
وأفكر ..
علني أجد حلا لمشكلتي التي لا حل لها ..
ربما بضعة أقراص مهدئة كانت في السابق كفيلة بأن تذهب عني الخوف والهلع ..
لكنها الآن أصبحت لا تجدي نفعا ..
لا أعلم لماذا ..
ما الذي تغير ..
أهي همومي التي قد زادت ..
أم جسدي الذي قد تعود على تلك الأقراص ..
أم عقلي الذي يأبى الاستسلام والهدوء وطرد الأفكار ..
لكنني أعلم شيئا واحدا ..
أنني قد تعبت ..
تعبت كثيرا ..
وليس بيدي غير انتظار الفرج ..
من الواحد الأحد ..

depression, panic

Struggled feelings

I am no longer able to pretend .. I am no longer able to hide what lives inside me of a fighting feelings like the ocean’s waves in a windy cold night ..
I want to scream .. I want to cry .. I want to take the things that are infront of me and broke them .. because I don’t care anymore ..
I can’t smile for those with me .. I find great difficulties doing that .. it is like moving my lips is similar to moving a big truck which is not working and its tires are out of air .. I try to push it so hard put it is not moving ..
Sometimes I get scared of my fast heart beats that happened without a reason .. and the pain that comes in my chest on the side of my heart .. sometimes it makes me think that I might be dyeing .. but I keep telling myself those are only panic attacks .. and they will go away .. I must calm down .. But I can’t calm down anymore .. I can’t pretend that I am okay .. or that I will be fine .. because I don’t feel that at all ..
I tried to show myself that I am still capable of giving .. but in the eyes of myself I am still the same person .. the broken one .. the imperfect .. the hurt .. the one in need of love and safeness .. the weak .. and the fragile one ..
When I look at myself like this .. I hate me .. a lot .. because I feel like I am living in two worlds .. and I hate that .. and sometimes .. ideas will start controlling my mind .. ideas about harming myself ..and this is when a period of a struggle will start between me and myself .. between my fear of hurting myself .. and my willingness to do so ..
This struggle makes me tired .. and also thinking about it makes me worse .. sometimes I leave my room .. some other times I leave my house .. and go out .. because I am weak .. and scared .. I might cry .. a lot .. in my car .. or in my bathroom .. or on my bed .. and this situation may last for days ..
The result varies in each time .. depend on the situation .. but in the last time .. I gave up .. I couldn’t fight back .. I acted without thinking .. because I am tired ..
I feel exhausted .. not physically .. but emotionally .. which is worse .. and that is because of the so many things I have gone through .. and the so many ups and downs .. specially the downs ..
Now .. here is Eid coming .. but I can’t feel that I am ready for it at all .. I don’t want to see any one .. I don’t want to pretend to be happy and smile .. I don’t want to talk to people ..
I just want to spend my day in my bed doing nothing .. and that’s it ..
But I know that is not going to happen ..
I feel that Eid is going to take what is left from my energy .. and I don’t know what will be left for me after it ..

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Tired

Despite the fullness and the heaviness I feel because of the huge amount of feelings within me .. I still feel empty from within .. I still feel fragile and so weak..

It is a very awkward thing .. to feel two opposite things at the same time..

I am tired of writing down my feelings and hoping that this may make me feel a little bit better .. because it doesn’t .. 

I am tired of wearing my smiley mask all the time and pretending to be fine and perfect .. 

I am tired of all of that but I still have to do it .. and it is killing me .. to know that I have no other choice .. 

I hate the ups and downs that are happening to me .. they are driving me crazy .. one day I am okay .. the next I am crying for no reason .. it’s insane .. 

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Don’t know what to do !!

Sometimes I wonder .. what is the problem with me ? Why do I always fail ? Why do I always go back to the starting point again ? What am I doing wrong ? 

I keep thinking about it .. but honstly I don’t know .. it happens suddenly .. and increases gradually .. until I lose control and do something stupid sometimes .. 

I have been thinking that I don’t want to take my medications anymore .. what is the point ? 

My parents told me a couple of days ago .. if you are not getting better then stop bothering people with you .. and also they told me if you have thoughts about harming yourself don’t tell your doctors and make them worry about you .. 

Maybe they are right .. maybe I am bothering my doctors .. because they are trying to help me but I am not getting better .. for some reason that I don’t know .. 

Maybe I am wasting their time and effort .. maybe I shouldn’t speak when I have thoughts about harming myself .. maybe I should just keep quite until either the thoughts go away or control over my head and become true .. 

I feel bad that this is how my parents think of me .. I feel disappointed because they blamed me and shouted on me when the doctor called them the other day telling them that I am having thought to harm myself .. 

My dad was shouting and I felt he was going to hit me .. and my mom shouted too and started to shout the doors in my face and avoided eye contact with me .. and also talk rude with me .. 

All of this because of something I can’t control of is happening to me .. I told them I can’t control this .. 

They said you should be stronger .. you should have faith .. you should fight .. 

They don’t know how much I am fighting and trying .. they don’t know how much it is not easy as talking ..

It is painful that the people who you thought will support you .. disappoint you the most ..

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Don’t know what to do !!

Sometimes I wonder .. what is the problem with me ? Why do I always fail ? Why do I always go back to the starting point again ? What am I doing wrong ? 

I keep thinking about it .. but honstly I don’t know .. it happens suddenly .. and increases gradually .. until I lose control and do something stupid sometimes .. 

I have been thinking that I don’t want to take my medications anymore .. what is the point ? 

My parents told me a couple of days ago .. if you are not getting better then stop bothering people with you .. and also they told me if you have thoughts about harming yourself don’t tell your doctors and make them worry about you .. 

Maybe they are right .. maybe I am bothering my doctors .. because they are trying to help me but I am not getting better .. for some reason that I don’t know .. 

Maybe I am wasting their time and effort .. maybe I shouldn’t speak when I have thoughts about harming myself .. maybe I should just keep quite until either the thoughts go away or control over my head and become true .. 

I feel bad that this is how my parents think of me .. I feel disappointed because they blamed me and shouted on me when the doctor called them the other day telling them that I am having thought to harm myself .. 

My dad was shouting and I felt he was going to hit me .. and my mom shouted too and started to shout the doors in my face and avoided eye contact with me .. and also talk rude with me .. 

All of this because of something I can’t control of is happening to me .. I told them I can’t control this .. 

They said you should be stronger .. you should have faith .. you should fight .. 

They don’t know how much I am fighting and trying .. they don’t know how much it is not easy as talking ..

It is painful that the people who you thought will support you .. disappoint you the most ..