Tired

Despite the fullness and the heaviness I feel because of the huge amount of feelings within me .. I still feel empty from within .. I still feel fragile and so weak..

It is a very awkward thing .. to feel two opposite things at the same time..

I am tired of writing down my feelings and hoping that this may make me feel a little bit better .. because it doesn’t .. 

I am tired of wearing my smiley mask all the time and pretending to be fine and perfect .. 

I am tired of all of that but I still have to do it .. and it is killing me .. to know that I have no other choice .. 

I hate the ups and downs that are happening to me .. they are driving me crazy .. one day I am okay .. the next I am crying for no reason .. it’s insane .. 

Don’t know what to do !!

Sometimes I wonder .. what is the problem with me ? Why do I always fail ? Why do I always go back to the starting point again ? What am I doing wrong ? 

I keep thinking about it .. but honstly I don’t know .. it happens suddenly .. and increases gradually .. until I lose control and do something stupid sometimes .. 

I have been thinking that I don’t want to take my medications anymore .. what is the point ? 

My parents told me a couple of days ago .. if you are not getting better then stop bothering people with you .. and also they told me if you have thoughts about harming yourself don’t tell your doctors and make them worry about you .. 

Maybe they are right .. maybe I am bothering my doctors .. because they are trying to help me but I am not getting better .. for some reason that I don’t know .. 

Maybe I am wasting their time and effort .. maybe I shouldn’t speak when I have thoughts about harming myself .. maybe I should just keep quite until either the thoughts go away or control over my head and become true .. 

I feel bad that this is how my parents think of me .. I feel disappointed because they blamed me and shouted on me when the doctor called them the other day telling them that I am having thought to harm myself .. 

My dad was shouting and I felt he was going to hit me .. and my mom shouted too and started to shout the doors in my face and avoided eye contact with me .. and also talk rude with me .. 

All of this because of something I can’t control of is happening to me .. I told them I can’t control this .. 

They said you should be stronger .. you should have faith .. you should fight .. 

They don’t know how much I am fighting and trying .. they don’t know how much it is not easy as talking ..

It is painful that the people who you thought will support you .. disappoint you the most ..

Don’t know what to do !!

Sometimes I wonder .. what is the problem with me ? Why do I always fail ? Why do I always go back to the starting point again ? What am I doing wrong ? 

I keep thinking about it .. but honstly I don’t know .. it happens suddenly .. and increases gradually .. until I lose control and do something stupid sometimes .. 

I have been thinking that I don’t want to take my medications anymore .. what is the point ? 

My parents told me a couple of days ago .. if you are not getting better then stop bothering people with you .. and also they told me if you have thoughts about harming yourself don’t tell your doctors and make them worry about you .. 

Maybe they are right .. maybe I am bothering my doctors .. because they are trying to help me but I am not getting better .. for some reason that I don’t know .. 

Maybe I am wasting their time and effort .. maybe I shouldn’t speak when I have thoughts about harming myself .. maybe I should just keep quite until either the thoughts go away or control over my head and become true .. 

I feel bad that this is how my parents think of me .. I feel disappointed because they blamed me and shouted on me when the doctor called them the other day telling them that I am having thought to harm myself .. 

My dad was shouting and I felt he was going to hit me .. and my mom shouted too and started to shout the doors in my face and avoided eye contact with me .. and also talk rude with me .. 

All of this because of something I can’t control of is happening to me .. I told them I can’t control this .. 

They said you should be stronger .. you should have faith .. you should fight .. 

They don’t know how much I am fighting and trying .. they don’t know how much it is not easy as talking ..

It is painful that the people who you thought will support you .. disappoint you the most ..

Keep smiling

Keep smiling .. no matter how weak you feel .. no matter how fragile you are .. keep smiling because you have survived yesterday .. and beleive me .. you will survive today as well .. just keep smiling .. because being sad won’t change anything .. it will only makes you feel worse .. but you know what .. smile .. let everyone see you as the happy person .. let them know you like that .. show them that face only .. the face of your strength .. the strength that no body knows how much it is taking from you to do it (to smile) except you .. you are the only person who know the struggle you are living in .. and it is in your hand to fight it back .. and not to give up .. 

So .. again my friend .. just smile .. no matter how rough your day is .. no matter how bad your situation is .. no matter what you are going through .. smile .. and put your faith in God .. and he will structure your future the way it is supposed to be .. just have faith in Him and smile my friend ..

Random words 

We meet different people everyday .. people in the work .. in the shops .. in the roads .. in the parties .. in everywhere we go to.. and we tend to go and say hi to those who look nice .. to those who for some reason enter our hearts without any introductions .. I am sure this has happened to you before .. maybe you were not the first to say hi .. maybe they have came to you first to say hi .. but then you told them .. or maybe they told you .. I felt I want to know you the moment I saw you .. didn’t that happened to you before ?? 

It is like if there is some sort of a special attraction between the both of you even before you both have met .. 

It is really special .. and those people stay in the heart .. and we tend to look at them in a good picture .. and defend them and love them and protect them .. we do that even if we don’t really know them that much .. but because for some reason they have got our hearts ..

Self harm

I am getting weaker infront of the thoughts of self harm .. I feel that I can’t fight them back anymore .. 

Please .. any advices ?? 

I would really appreciate it ?? 

I Don’t know what to do ??¬†

I wrote to one of my dear people and also one of the therapist of my college I use to see .. that I wasn’t feeling good .. and that I took a number of pills and will go to sleep .. also I mentioned that thoughts about harming myself and killing myself are back into my mind .. 

She was worried so she contacted my psychiatrist who called my dad the next day .. I was out of home at that time .. so dad called me and asked me when will I be back .. I said I am on my way back .. 

The moment I came back he took me from my hand to his room where my mom was setting .. and he closed the door and asked me to show him the letter I sent to the therapist .. he started reading it out loud .. and commenting on it .. while I was quite and listening .. 

I wrote in that letter that I am I don’t want to tell my parents how I really feel because they will tell me I don’t have faith in God and I am weak and I don’t do the doctor’s orders .. etc .. basically they will blame me .. they wont understand me .. and I don’t want to be blamed on something I don’t have the power to control .. 

Depression is my disease .. it comes and goes .. with its thoughts and feelings and what’s so ever .. so blame the disease .. don’t blame me .. I am trying my best to cope .. 

My mom started to shout at me and shut the doors in my face .. my dad .. oh my dad .. I felt that he was going to hit me but he was holding himself .. 

I guess that is why I don’t talk to them .. because they don’t understand .. they don’t even give me a chance to talk .. and even if I want to talk I can’t talk while they are like this so angry and upset .. 

They told me why do you go to the doctors and pay money if you are not getting better .. then just pray to God and you will be okay .. they said stop freaking out people with you .. don’t let them get worried .. 

So shall I do that ?? 

Maybe they are right .. maybe I should keep the thoughts in my head .. untill either they go away or become a truth and I do them and let everybody rest of me  .. maybe I should stop seeing doctors and complaining about how I feel to them .. maybe I also should stop taking the medications because they only help for a while then they don’t help me anymore .. 

Maybe I should stop everything .. 

Maybe .. 

I don’t know .. 

But that is what I felt from what my parents told me ..