I have this problem that I haven’t talk about because I am shy to do so .. but it has been bothering me so much .. specially lately because something reminded me of it again ..
First of all .. let me say that I have been sexually abuse as a child ..
And I grew up not without remembering that .. I guess I was so traumatised and horrified because he terrified me ..
When I was at college I started to get flashbacks .. and then with time the whole memory with every single detail came to my mind ..
I became traumatised now as an adult ..
I stopped masturbation completely a long while ago .. because reaching orgasm will give me a bad feeling that will make me feel really bad and cry .. so I stopped .. and also there are mixed feelings of guilt and blame and worthlessness ..
And I started to feel so uncomfortable to look at my body while changing my clothes or taking a shower .. I hate to look at the scars in my thighs from my self harming behaviour .. and I hate to look at my other female body parts .. so I avoid looking at them .. when I shower and my hand touches those part I try to make it quick because I hate it and I hate how it feels .. sometimes I feel I am dirty because I have been touched by him when I was little .. I feel used .. worthless .. useless ..
Another thing is that I stoped letting my partner touch me in our sexual relationship .. because that reminded me of being touched as a child and I would feel so uncomfortable and I cried in seperate times .. so our relationship is just me touching my partner and pleasuring my partner ..
I feel very sick because of this .. O wish I can feel normal again ..
Any help to make me feel better ??