I feel disappointed in myself .. I was trying so hard to make myself busy and happy and avoid talking to myself about the negative things .. but all my efforts were a waste .. because I lost .. again .. and again .. and again .. i lost infront of myself ..
It seems like no matter how hard I try or whatever I will do .. myself will always pull me back to the area of darkness and sadness ..
why ?? I have no idea ..
why feeling sad ?? I don’t know ..
why feeling so empty ?? I also don’t know ..
All i know is that it hurts alot to be disappointed in my ownself .. it hurts alot to feel sad for no reason .. to not be able to enjoy even the smallest things or the greatest things in my life .. it hurts a lot when I try to do what usually makes me happy but I can’t feel the same happiness again ..
I feel lost .. lonely .. weak .. and so fragile .. in fact I feel like i am broken into million pieces and they are just sticking together by a cheap glue and they are about to broke back again ..
I also feel angry .. and want to punish myself for being down again .. i know cuting myself wont change a thing .. but I am not sure if I can resist this feeling ..
When I go to bed at night .. I wish I don’t wake up in the next morning .. and when I do wake up, the first thing I think of is when I will go to sleep again .. or sometimes I think shall I leave bed or just stay in it and do nothing ..
But I always wake up and say today I will try to be happy .. and I try .. and try .. but the feeling doesn’t go away .. and I don’t know how much more can I handle ..