It is bothering me alot 

I want to talk today about my experience with childhood sexual abuse .. 
It happened to me once when I was 4 or 5 years old by my older cousin .. who is 3 years older than me .. 
We spent our childhood together .. we played together .. we slept in grandma’s house together .. but one time when my parents left me at their home he had this smal tent we use to play in so he asked me to enter in .. and he closed the door .. he said to me if you tell anyone about this I will tell them that you are a lair and that you started to take off your clothes first .. he terrified me .. and then asked me to pull my t-shirt up so my nipples can be shown .. and he started touching them .. 

Then he asked me to take off my pant .. and when I did he started to touch me .. then he take off his pants too and show me his penis .. and then get closer to me and let his penis touch me down there .. and when he finished .. he said kiss it .. 

And I did .. I remember that whenever I wanted to cry he will say don’t and I will stop .. but tears were in my eyes .. 

When he finished he said don’t tell anyone and don’t cry .. so because I was afraid I did what he asked ..
I guess because of this kind of trauma to me .. my mind for some reason blocked this memory from me with time .. and I became so normal with him .. I play with him normally .. we see each other each weekend .. and I grew up and totally forgotten about the abuse .. 
For some reason .. in my early twenties .. something triggers this memory .. and I began to have flashbacks .. then after a while I was able to remember the whole thing .. with every single detail .. I re-lived the experience again and cried so much .. I was shock .. 
I still haven’t got the chance to heal completely .. but I am in the process of that .. my biggest struggle now is to be able to look and like my body .. specially those parts that he touched .. because I can’t look at them .. and when I take a shower and touch them I feel so uncomfortable .. 

I hate my body .. I feel worthless .. used .. dirty .. unpleasant .. 
I just hope that one day I can say .. yes .. I beat this .. yes .. I reached healing .. 


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