Miserable .. But .. thank God ..

One week ago .. I was on a diet plan .. I was eating healthy food .. drinking plenty of water .. exercising everyday .. and I lost 5 kg in one week .. 

My mood was a little bit starting to be better .. I completed reading the book I was reading and started reading a new story .. I just finished it and started another story .. 
Ramadan came .. 

My diet finished ..

Everything became a mess .. 

Add to that that 2 days ago my period came .. 

And today my cousin who abuse me when I was a child will come from UK in his break from studies to see the family .. and I got a panic attack this morning just by thinking about it .. 

I am so nervous .. so anxious .. so confused .. and don’t know what to do .. 

He was supposed to come tomorrow .. but my uncle said yesterday that his son will come today .. 

I don’t feel ready yet to face him .. not even ready to say hi .. 

I don’t know how am I going to pretend to be normal today when I am so abnormal from within .. 

I wanted to speak about it yesterday to my friend .. I called her a million time .. I text her so many times .. she didn’t reply .. I became worry .. so I called her mom who told me that she is out shopping in the mall .. so I was relieved that she is ok .. but I was sad .. because I wanted her but she is not there .. and she is doing something else that is more important than me .. 

I felt empty and worthless .. I felt lonely and hopeless .. I cried in my bed until I slept .. 

This is not the first time I cry until I sleep .. and I guess it is not the last time .. I just hope that these nights get less .. because they are so painful .. and when I wake up I can feel the pain in my heart .. as if it is became condensed in there .. 
I felt like a loser when I gain back 3 kg of the 5 kg I lost .. I felt that I can’t keep a good success in place .. I felt that I am wrong .. and I deserve to be punished .. I had thoughts about harming myself .. but I tried my best to ignore them and not to listen to them .. 
There is one great thing that happened in between all of this and I thank God it happened .. and it is that my cat gave birth to 4 cute kittens .. this made me so happy .. I check on them everyday so many times .. I spend more time with them .. I smile and forget everything I feel when I look at them .. they just let me look at them and smile .. 
I guess without this event I would have been so miserable .. more than now .. but thank God .. I still have one reason at least to smile .. 
Sometimes unexpected things can change how we feel or think .. 
So again .. thank you God .. 


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