My new struggle .. 

Today I thought it will be easier to face him (my childhood sexual abuser who is my older cousin who used to study abroad and just came back 2 days ago) .. so I walked into their house and sat down .. then he came down the stairs .. the moment I saw him everything changed .. I felt not okay as if I want to vomit .. but I didn’t .. I felt a very strange feeling that I don’t know how to explain .. but my body was shaking .. and my heart was beating fast ..
I ignored him all the time .. and avoid him .. I tried my best .. but there are things that keep reminding me of him .. of what happened .. and I can’t do much about them .. and that makes me feel like a looser .. like a faliure .. like a weak person .. like a damaged person .. like someone who can’t help herself .. it makes me feel helpless and worthless .. useless and powerless .. and when I feel like that , I get upset on myself because I am not helping myself .. 
The thing is .. I know these feelings come to me because of him .. but I also know that I must do something about them to stop them from affecting me .. I mean .. I have been crying for the last week whenever I am alone .. I cry all the time .. I feel that there is alot within me that I just don’t know how to express .. so I cry .. but even crying is not giving me the relieve I thought I may have .. 
Sometimes I feel so depressed .. that I start to think of how better it will be if I am dead .. some other times I have thoughts of how can I harm myself, because I feel like I deserve punishment because I am not being able to feel better and good .. because I am a looser and a faliure .. because I still can’t face him even though the thing has happened many years ago and now it is done and over .. but I am still living in the past .. still afraid .. it should not be like this .. 


3 thoughts on “My new struggle .. 

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