I have decided to write a letter to my abuser .. and I was thinking to keep it to myself .. but when I finished writing it .. I felt that I wanted to give it to him .. I wanted him to know that he caused me pain and suffering .. I know it won’t be easy to face him .. and it may elict so many emotions and feelings .. but I think I may gain some relief after it ..
I don’t care about what his reaction might be .. he might say I don’t remember this .. I was little .. you was little .. you are imaginig .. he might say different things .. I don’t care .. I just want him to know that the pain I feel is because of him ..
Anyway .. I would like to share the letter with you guys .. and I will really appreciate your opinion .. shall I face him or what shall I do ..
This is the letter :
To the reason behind my pain and sadness ..
To the reason behind my fear and misery ..
To you .. my cousin .. Abdulla ..
I don’t know if you remember or not .. but I know that I don’t forget what happened on that day .. when we were little .. when I was about 4 or 5 .. and you were around 7 or 8 .. we were in your house playing .. with your older brother and my little brother .. then you asked me to come to the playing tent .. I followed you because I didn’t know what you were up to .. you threaten me .. you said you will tell my parents that I started to take off my clothes in front of you if I spoke to anyone .. I was so scared .. I wanted to cry ..my tears were in my eyes but you said don’t cry .. you said to me take off your t-shirt .. and I did that with fear .. you started to touch my nipples .. I wasn’t comfortable at all .. you didn’t stop at that .. you asked me to
off my pants and you also touched me .. I was freezing in my place because of the fear .. then you took your pants down and showed me your penis .. you let it touch me down there from front and back .. and then you asked me to touch it .. not just that .. but then you also asked me to kiss it .. I did that while I was shaking and wanted to cry .. you were smiling and that’s what I hate now when I remember these things .. after you let me wear my clothes .. you threaten me again and reminded me again not to tell anyone about this and not to cry .. so I did what you asked me to do ..
Do you remember that ?! I know we were little .. but I can remember it so clear in my mind as if it is happening in front of me now .. it’s so hard for me to remove the picture of what happened from my mind .. when I look at the body parts of me that you touched them .. I remember what happened and I feel so uncomfortable .. I even started to hate these parts and avoid looking at them or touching them .. and of course when I look at you I remember .. so I avoid that too .. I know that you are now a good person and what happened before happened when you were a child and maybe you saw someone or was only curious .. I don’t know but I know that you caused me a lot of suffering now .. maybe when I was a child I was able to stay quiet and forget about it .. but it stayed there all these year then pop up .. you have no idea how worthless you made me feel toward myself .. how useless .. how broken .. how fearful .. how weak how helpless .. I kind of lost strength and faith in myself .. you let me struggle with myself again and fight again and try to stand on my feet .. and it is so hard for someone like me who is already suffering from anxiety and depression ..
Sometimes I wonder if I am blaming you or blaming what you did or it doesn’t matter .. I really don’t know .. right now I just want to feel okay .. normal .. peaceful with myself .. and not to look at you as a source of threat .. because you can’t hurt me .. so why do I get a panic attack or feel sick and about to vomit or shaking and terrified when you are there !! you won’t harm me .. you can’t even touch me .. so there is no sense behind my over-reaction .. I need to control that ..
Abdulla .. hating you is taking a lot of energy from me .. besides .. I am not sure if I can hate you for what you did as a child .. so I have been thinking .. and I guess the best thing is to let go of this .. to let go of these feelings of hate .. of anger .. of fear .. I don’t know how am I going to do that .. but I am going to remind myself whenever I feel them to let go .. I will try this .. and I really
it works .. because I am sick of crying everyday .. in my room .. in my car .. with my cats .. in my shower .. everywhere I am alone I cry .. I feel tired of crying ..
Anyway ..I said what I have .. I had to write this letter .. forgive me if it is upsetting .. but I had to write it ..
Waiting for your comments ..