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Please .. not this time again .. 

I have been feeling afraid lately ..

Afraid to lose control ..

Afraid to be hospitalised again ..

Afraid to have suicidal thoughts and self harming acts ..

Basically ..

I am afraid of relapse ..

Because it has been happening for me all the time before .. 

You know .. 

Becoming better for a while .. then relapsing .. then getting better again then relapsing again .. 

I want to believe that this time is different ..

But there is fear within me .. 
I had a panic attack last night when I went to bed

I couldn’t breathe

I thought I will die .. honestly

I started to say my prayers

I was alone

But then few minutes later it went away .. and everything became normal except that my body was still shaking and I was still full of fear .. 
I am trying to convince myself that this time is different .. and I have taken the correct step this time so no need to worry .. 

But .. I don’t know ..

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