I have been feeling afraid lately ..
Afraid to lose control ..
Afraid to be hospitalised again ..
Afraid to have suicidal thoughts and self harming acts ..
I am afraid of relapse ..
Because it has been happening for me all the time before ..
You know ..
Becoming better for a while .. then relapsing .. then getting better again then relapsing again ..
I want to believe that this time is different ..
But there is fear within me ..
I had a panic attack last night when I went to bed
I couldn’t breathe
I thought I will die .. honestly
I started to say my prayers
I was alone
But then few minutes later it went away .. and everything became normal except that my body was still shaking and I was still full of fear ..
I am trying to convince myself that this time is different .. and I have taken the correct step this time so no need to worry ..
But .. I don’t know ..