Roller coaster 

I feel that my life is on a roller coaster .. always up and down .. never stopping .. 

I was just starting to feel a little bit better .. after facing my cousin who abused me .. I felt that I have finally did the right thing for myself .. and I have finally stood strong for myself .. I felt better for 2 to 3 weeks .. 

After that .. I don’t know what happened .. my mood just started to be down .. I started to be so lazy .. I didn’t want to do anything .. I started to sleep alot .. and eat alot .. I stopped exercising .. I gained 2 kg .. I lost motivation to do anything .. 

I decided to uninstall my whatsapp for a while because I didn’t want to talk to anyone .. but then I had to re install it back because my family members communicate on it .. 

At the same time .. one of my little kittens dies .. and I felt really bad for that .. 

More over .. my panic attack is back .. I am taking Xanax for it temporarily .. but I am trying not to take it all the time .. I don’t want to become addicted to it .. 

Sometimes I ask myself .. what have I done wrong this time ?! Why this is happening ?!  Why can’t I have a longer period of a good time ?! Will my life always going to be like this ?! Am I strong enough to handle this ?! 
I feel so tired from this .. I feel I want to scream and shout and say enough .. please .. enough .. don’t hurt my heart anymore .. be gentle with my feelings .. I just can’t .. 

I don’t know what to do .. I want a hug right now .. from someone who won’t ask me or talk to me or advice me .. just will simply say come here and hug me tightly .. and gently let his or her fingers play with my hair .. and whipe my tears whenever they fall down .. 

But I guess I am asking for a lot .. because I can’t have that .. 

I don’t want to feel my pain so I choose to go to bed early these days .. and I stay asleep for a long time .. and even when I wake up .. I still feel I want to go back to sleep because I am just not motivated to do anything .. 

Maybe the only thing that let me wake up in the morning is my medication timing .. and giving my cats their food and cleaning their litter boxes .. that’s what I do everyday .. and after that .. I don’t know .. 

Sometimes I read .. sometimes I draw .. sometimes I tidy my room .. sometimes I write .. some other times I go back to sleep .. 

I don’t know what to do .. I feel a little bit lost .. I need to feel that there is someone with me because I feel so lonely .. but I don’t know if I will find somebody or not .. 

I feel that writing isn’t helping me right now to feel better .. so I will stop .. and sorry if I bothered you with me .. I just didn’t know who else to speak to .. 


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