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Words from the wounded heart

I feel this time that I am relapsing for real .. My mood is so down .. I cry a lot .. I don’t enjoy the things that used to cheer me up .. I eat a lot .. and sleep a lot .. I take more pills of my medication than what I have to hoping that they may numb the pain I feel .. I try to avoid going out to see people .. I don’t do anything .. except reading book while being on my bed .. even my cats and kittens I don’t spend with them time as much as I used to ..

However .. when I leave my bedroom and go to the living room where there are my mom and dad .. I smile and pretend that I am okay .. I don’t want them to feel that something is wrong with me .. because they will start to blame me .. they will say I don’t do what my doctor asked me to do .. I don’t have faith in God and in myself .. I am weak .. I am lazy .. I am .. an I am .. an I am .. I just can’t handle this .. so I prefer to show them that I am okay .. while I am not ..

I am starting to have thoughts about killing myself and harming myself .. I know this means that I am so depressed now .. but I don’t want to do these thoughts .. I am afraid to do them ..

Can someone please help me ??

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