I wrote to one of my dear people and also one of the therapist of my college I use to see .. that I wasn’t feeling good .. and that I took a number of pills and will go to sleep .. also I mentioned that thoughts about harming myself and killing myself are back into my mind ..
She was worried so she contacted my psychiatrist who called my dad the next day .. I was out of home at that time .. so dad called me and asked me when will I be back .. I said I am on my way back ..
The moment I came back he took me from my hand to his room where my mom was setting .. and he closed the door and asked me to show him the letter I sent to the therapist .. he started reading it out loud .. and commenting on it .. while I was quite and listening ..
I wrote in that letter that I am I don’t want to tell my parents how I really feel because they will tell me I don’t have faith in God and I am weak and I don’t do the doctor’s orders .. etc .. basically they will blame me .. they wont understand me .. and I don’t want to be blamed on something I don’t have the power to control ..
Depression is my disease .. it comes and goes .. with its thoughts and feelings and what’s so ever .. so blame the disease .. don’t blame me .. I am trying my best to cope ..
My mom started to shout at me and shut the doors in my face .. my dad .. oh my dad .. I felt that he was going to hit me but he was holding himself ..
I guess that is why I don’t talk to them .. because they don’t understand .. they don’t even give me a chance to talk .. and even if I want to talk I can’t talk while they are like this so angry and upset ..
They told me why do you go to the doctors and pay money if you are not getting better .. then just pray to God and you will be okay .. they said stop freaking out people with you .. don’t let them get worried ..
So shall I do that ??
Maybe they are right .. maybe I should keep the thoughts in my head .. untill either they go away or become a truth and I do them and let everybody rest of me .. maybe I should stop seeing doctors and complaining about how I feel to them .. maybe I also should stop taking the medications because they only help for a while then they don’t help me anymore ..
Maybe I should stop everything ..
I don’t know ..
But that is what I felt from what my parents told me ..