Sometimes I wonder .. what is the problem with me ? Why do I always fail ? Why do I always go back to the starting point again ? What am I doing wrong ?
I keep thinking about it .. but honstly I don’t know .. it happens suddenly .. and increases gradually .. until I lose control and do something stupid sometimes ..
I have been thinking that I don’t want to take my medications anymore .. what is the point ?
My parents told me a couple of days ago .. if you are not getting better then stop bothering people with you .. and also they told me if you have thoughts about harming yourself don’t tell your doctors and make them worry about you ..
Maybe they are right .. maybe I am bothering my doctors .. because they are trying to help me but I am not getting better .. for some reason that I don’t know ..
Maybe I am wasting their time and effort .. maybe I shouldn’t speak when I have thoughts about harming myself .. maybe I should just keep quite until either the thoughts go away or control over my head and become true ..
I feel bad that this is how my parents think of me .. I feel disappointed because they blamed me and shouted on me when the doctor called them the other day telling them that I am having thought to harm myself ..
My dad was shouting and I felt he was going to hit me .. and my mom shouted too and started to shout the doors in my face and avoided eye contact with me .. and also talk rude with me ..
All of this because of something I can’t control of is happening to me .. I told them I can’t control this ..
They said you should be stronger .. you should have faith .. you should fight ..
They don’t know how much I am fighting and trying .. they don’t know how much it is not easy as talking ..
It is painful that the people who you thought will support you .. disappoint you the most ..