depression, panic

Struggled feelings

I am no longer able to pretend .. I am no longer able to hide what lives inside me of a fighting feelings like the ocean’s waves in a windy cold night ..
I want to scream .. I want to cry .. I want to take the things that are infront of me and broke them .. because I don’t care anymore ..
I can’t smile for those with me .. I find great difficulties doing that .. it is like moving my lips is similar to moving a big truck which is not working and its tires are out of air .. I try to push it so hard put it is not moving ..
Sometimes I get scared of my fast heart beats that happened without a reason .. and the pain that comes in my chest on the side of my heart .. sometimes it makes me think that I might be dyeing .. but I keep telling myself those are only panic attacks .. and they will go away .. I must calm down .. But I can’t calm down anymore .. I can’t pretend that I am okay .. or that I will be fine .. because I don’t feel that at all ..
I tried to show myself that I am still capable of giving .. but in the eyes of myself I am still the same person .. the broken one .. the imperfect .. the hurt .. the one in need of love and safeness .. the weak .. and the fragile one ..
When I look at myself like this .. I hate me .. a lot .. because I feel like I am living in two worlds .. and I hate that .. and sometimes .. ideas will start controlling my mind .. ideas about harming myself ..and this is when a period of a struggle will start between me and myself .. between my fear of hurting myself .. and my willingness to do so ..
This struggle makes me tired .. and also thinking about it makes me worse .. sometimes I leave my room .. some other times I leave my house .. and go out .. because I am weak .. and scared .. I might cry .. a lot .. in my car .. or in my bathroom .. or on my bed .. and this situation may last for days ..
The result varies in each time .. depend on the situation .. but in the last time .. I gave up .. I couldn’t fight back .. I acted without thinking .. because I am tired ..
I feel exhausted .. not physically .. but emotionally .. which is worse .. and that is because of the so many things I have gone through .. and the so many ups and downs .. specially the downs ..
Now .. here is Eid coming .. but I can’t feel that I am ready for it at all .. I don’t want to see any one .. I don’t want to pretend to be happy and smile .. I don’t want to talk to people ..
I just want to spend my day in my bed doing nothing .. and that’s it ..
But I know that is not going to happen ..
I feel that Eid is going to take what is left from my energy .. and I don’t know what will be left for me after it ..

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