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Keep smiling

Keep smiling .. no matter how weak you feel .. no matter how fragile you are .. keep smiling because you have survived yesterday .. and beleive me .. you will survive today as well .. just keep smiling .. because being sad won’t change anything .. it will only makes you feel worse .. but you know what .. smile .. let everyone see you as the happy person .. let them know you like that .. show them that face only .. the face of your strength .. the strength that no body knows how much it is taking from you to do it (to smile) except you .. you are the only person who know the struggle you are living in .. and it is in your hand to fight it back .. and not to give up .. 

So .. again my friend .. just smile .. no matter how rough your day is .. no matter how bad your situation is .. no matter what you are going through .. smile .. and put your faith in God .. and he will structure your future the way it is supposed to be .. just have faith in Him and smile my friend ..

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Random words 

We meet different people everyday .. people in the work .. in the shops .. in the roads .. in the parties .. in everywhere we go to.. and we tend to go and say hi to those who look nice .. to those who for some reason enter our hearts without any introductions .. I am sure this has happened to you before .. maybe you were not the first to say hi .. maybe they have came to you first to say hi .. but then you told them .. or maybe they told you .. I felt I want to know you the moment I saw you .. didn’t that happened to you before ?? 

It is like if there is some sort of a special attraction between the both of you even before you both have met .. 

It is really special .. and those people stay in the heart .. and we tend to look at them in a good picture .. and defend them and love them and protect them .. we do that even if we don’t really know them that much .. but because for some reason they have got our hearts ..

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I Don’t know what to do ?? 

I wrote to one of my dear people and also one of the therapist of my college I use to see .. that I wasn’t feeling good .. and that I took a number of pills and will go to sleep .. also I mentioned that thoughts about harming myself and killing myself are back into my mind .. 

She was worried so she contacted my psychiatrist who called my dad the next day .. I was out of home at that time .. so dad called me and asked me when will I be back .. I said I am on my way back .. 

The moment I came back he took me from my hand to his room where my mom was setting .. and he closed the door and asked me to show him the letter I sent to the therapist .. he started reading it out loud .. and commenting on it .. while I was quite and listening .. 

I wrote in that letter that I am I don’t want to tell my parents how I really feel because they will tell me I don’t have faith in God and I am weak and I don’t do the doctor’s orders .. etc .. basically they will blame me .. they wont understand me .. and I don’t want to be blamed on something I don’t have the power to control .. 

Depression is my disease .. it comes and goes .. with its thoughts and feelings and what’s so ever .. so blame the disease .. don’t blame me .. I am trying my best to cope .. 

My mom started to shout at me and shut the doors in my face .. my dad .. oh my dad .. I felt that he was going to hit me but he was holding himself .. 

I guess that is why I don’t talk to them .. because they don’t understand .. they don’t even give me a chance to talk .. and even if I want to talk I can’t talk while they are like this so angry and upset .. 

They told me why do you go to the doctors and pay money if you are not getting better .. then just pray to God and you will be okay .. they said stop freaking out people with you .. don’t let them get worried .. 

So shall I do that ?? 

Maybe they are right .. maybe I should keep the thoughts in my head .. untill either they go away or become a truth and I do them and let everybody rest of me  .. maybe I should stop seeing doctors and complaining about how I feel to them .. maybe I also should stop taking the medications because they only help for a while then they don’t help me anymore .. 

Maybe I should stop everything .. 

Maybe .. 

I don’t know .. 

But that is what I felt from what my parents told me ..

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Words from the wounded heart

I feel this time that I am relapsing for real .. My mood is so down .. I cry a lot .. I don’t enjoy the things that used to cheer me up .. I eat a lot .. and sleep a lot .. I take more pills of my medication than what I have to hoping that they may numb the pain I feel .. I try to avoid going out to see people .. I don’t do anything .. except reading book while being on my bed .. even my cats and kittens I don’t spend with them time as much as I used to ..

However .. when I leave my bedroom and go to the living room where there are my mom and dad .. I smile and pretend that I am okay .. I don’t want them to feel that something is wrong with me .. because they will start to blame me .. they will say I don’t do what my doctor asked me to do .. I don’t have faith in God and in myself .. I am weak .. I am lazy .. I am .. an I am .. an I am .. I just can’t handle this .. so I prefer to show them that I am okay .. while I am not ..

I am starting to have thoughts about killing myself and harming myself .. I know this means that I am so depressed now .. but I don’t want to do these thoughts .. I am afraid to do them ..

Can someone please help me ??

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Roller coaster 

I feel that my life is on a roller coaster .. always up and down .. never stopping .. 

I was just starting to feel a little bit better .. after facing my cousin who abused me .. I felt that I have finally did the right thing for myself .. and I have finally stood strong for myself .. I felt better for 2 to 3 weeks .. 

After that .. I don’t know what happened .. my mood just started to be down .. I started to be so lazy .. I didn’t want to do anything .. I started to sleep alot .. and eat alot .. I stopped exercising .. I gained 2 kg .. I lost motivation to do anything .. 

I decided to uninstall my whatsapp for a while because I didn’t want to talk to anyone .. but then I had to re install it back because my family members communicate on it .. 

At the same time .. one of my little kittens dies .. and I felt really bad for that .. 

More over .. my panic attack is back .. I am taking Xanax for it temporarily .. but I am trying not to take it all the time .. I don’t want to become addicted to it .. 

Sometimes I ask myself .. what have I done wrong this time ?! Why this is happening ?!  Why can’t I have a longer period of a good time ?! Will my life always going to be like this ?! Am I strong enough to handle this ?! 
I feel so tired from this .. I feel I want to scream and shout and say enough .. please .. enough .. don’t hurt my heart anymore .. be gentle with my feelings .. I just can’t .. 

I don’t know what to do .. I want a hug right now .. from someone who won’t ask me or talk to me or advice me .. just will simply say come here and hug me tightly .. and gently let his or her fingers play with my hair .. and whipe my tears whenever they fall down .. 

But I guess I am asking for a lot .. because I can’t have that .. 

I don’t want to feel my pain so I choose to go to bed early these days .. and I stay asleep for a long time .. and even when I wake up .. I still feel I want to go back to sleep because I am just not motivated to do anything .. 

Maybe the only thing that let me wake up in the morning is my medication timing .. and giving my cats their food and cleaning their litter boxes .. that’s what I do everyday .. and after that .. I don’t know .. 

Sometimes I read .. sometimes I draw .. sometimes I tidy my room .. sometimes I write .. some other times I go back to sleep .. 

I don’t know what to do .. I feel a little bit lost .. I need to feel that there is someone with me because I feel so lonely .. but I don’t know if I will find somebody or not .. 

I feel that writing isn’t helping me right now to feel better .. so I will stop .. and sorry if I bothered you with me .. I just didn’t know who else to speak to .. 

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Please .. not this time again .. 

I have been feeling afraid lately ..

Afraid to lose control ..

Afraid to be hospitalised again ..

Afraid to have suicidal thoughts and self harming acts ..

Basically ..

I am afraid of relapse ..

Because it has been happening for me all the time before .. 

You know .. 

Becoming better for a while .. then relapsing .. then getting better again then relapsing again .. 

I want to believe that this time is different ..

But there is fear within me .. 
I had a panic attack last night when I went to bed

I couldn’t breathe

I thought I will die .. honestly

I started to say my prayers

I was alone

But then few minutes later it went away .. and everything became normal except that my body was still shaking and I was still full of fear .. 
I am trying to convince myself that this time is different .. and I have taken the correct step this time so no need to worry .. 

But .. I don’t know ..