Words from the wounded heart

I feel this time that I am relapsing for real .. My mood is so down .. I cry a lot .. I don’t enjoy the things that used to cheer me up .. I eat a lot .. and sleep a lot .. I take more pills of my medication than what I have to hoping that they may numb the pain I feel .. I try to avoid going out to see people .. I don’t do anything .. except reading book while being on my bed .. even my cats and kittens I don’t spend with them time as much as I used to ..

However .. when I leave my bedroom and go to the living room where there are my mom and dad .. I smile and pretend that I am okay .. I don’t want them to feel that something is wrong with me .. because they will start to blame me .. they will say I don’t do what my doctor asked me to do .. I don’t have faith in God and in myself .. I am weak .. I am lazy .. I am .. an I am .. an I am .. I just can’t handle this .. so I prefer to show them that I am okay .. while I am not ..

I am starting to have thoughts about killing myself and harming myself .. I know this means that I am so depressed now .. but I don’t want to do these thoughts .. I am afraid to do them ..

Can someone please help me ??

Roller coaster 

I feel that my life is on a roller coaster .. always up and down .. never stopping .. 

I was just starting to feel a little bit better .. after facing my cousin who abused me .. I felt that I have finally did the right thing for myself .. and I have finally stood strong for myself .. I felt better for 2 to 3 weeks .. 

After that .. I don’t know what happened .. my mood just started to be down .. I started to be so lazy .. I didn’t want to do anything .. I started to sleep alot .. and eat alot .. I stopped exercising .. I gained 2 kg .. I lost motivation to do anything .. 

I decided to uninstall my whatsapp for a while because I didn’t want to talk to anyone .. but then I had to re install it back because my family members communicate on it .. 

At the same time .. one of my little kittens dies .. and I felt really bad for that .. 

More over .. my panic attack is back .. I am taking Xanax for it temporarily .. but I am trying not to take it all the time .. I don’t want to become addicted to it .. 

Sometimes I ask myself .. what have I done wrong this time ?! Why this is happening ?!  Why can’t I have a longer period of a good time ?! Will my life always going to be like this ?! Am I strong enough to handle this ?! 
I feel so tired from this .. I feel I want to scream and shout and say enough .. please .. enough .. don’t hurt my heart anymore .. be gentle with my feelings .. I just can’t .. 

I don’t know what to do .. I want a hug right now .. from someone who won’t ask me or talk to me or advice me .. just will simply say come here and hug me tightly .. and gently let his or her fingers play with my hair .. and whipe my tears whenever they fall down .. 

But I guess I am asking for a lot .. because I can’t have that .. 

I don’t want to feel my pain so I choose to go to bed early these days .. and I stay asleep for a long time .. and even when I wake up .. I still feel I want to go back to sleep because I am just not motivated to do anything .. 

Maybe the only thing that let me wake up in the morning is my medication timing .. and giving my cats their food and cleaning their litter boxes .. that’s what I do everyday .. and after that .. I don’t know .. 

Sometimes I read .. sometimes I draw .. sometimes I tidy my room .. sometimes I write .. some other times I go back to sleep .. 

I don’t know what to do .. I feel a little bit lost .. I need to feel that there is someone with me because I feel so lonely .. but I don’t know if I will find somebody or not .. 

I feel that writing isn’t helping me right now to feel better .. so I will stop .. and sorry if I bothered you with me .. I just didn’t know who else to speak to .. 

Please .. not this time again .. 

I have been feeling afraid lately ..

Afraid to lose control ..

Afraid to be hospitalised again ..

Afraid to have suicidal thoughts and self harming acts ..

Basically ..

I am afraid of relapse ..

Because it has been happening for me all the time before .. 

You know .. 

Becoming better for a while .. then relapsing .. then getting better again then relapsing again .. 

I want to believe that this time is different ..

But there is fear within me .. 
I had a panic attack last night when I went to bed

I couldn’t breathe

I thought I will die .. honestly

I started to say my prayers

I was alone

But then few minutes later it went away .. and everything became normal except that my body was still shaking and I was still full of fear .. 
I am trying to convince myself that this time is different .. and I have taken the correct step this time so no need to worry .. 

But .. I don’t know ..

Now what ? 

Hello everyone,

I am glad to say that I have been feeling better lately .. thanks to God .. and to the help of my therapists .. and of course my effort to help myself as well .. 

I feel that I have across a big step in my journey to healing .. but sure I am still walking in the path .. 

Anyhow .. I have been wondering .. now what ? what is next ? what shall I do now in the process of healing ? how can I reach my goals and get the boost I need to achieve them ? 

I want to listen from you guys .. what do you think the next step should be ? 

What I learnt from my new kittens ..

17 days ago , my cat , Loli ,  gave birth to 4 cute kittens ..

This is her first time ..

she is living with my second cat , Kuchi , the male and the father of these kittens ..

My cats are always at home , never outside , so they haven’t see other cats .. 

Back to my point from all of this ..

I was watching Loli as she take care of her kittens , licking them to clean them after birth , and feed them , and how these blind kittens knew how to fed from their mother without seeing anything ..

All happened just by instinct .. 

Loli didn’t have anyone to teach her or show her how to deliver or to take care of the kittens after delivery .. But she knew exactly how and what to do , even though it was her first time ..

And those little kittens have no body told them that they have to go to that side exactly to have milk ( to their mother ) but they knew .. 

All of this made me say Subhan Allah .. Only Allah can teach them what to do .. Only Allah can let them know how to take care of themselves .. 

Subhan Allah .. 

He is the Creator ..

And he didn’t leave his creatures with giving tem instincts .. 

At 2 weeks from delivery , the kittens slowly started to open their eyes .. some opened before .. some oped later .. but now the all opened their eyes .. and they are moving more than befor .. and they are growing faster .. they stil can’t stand on their feet .. maybe it needs more week or two .. 

It is amazing to watch them growing .. and to say everyday Subhan Allah who have teach them and let them know how to take care of themselves ..

What would you do if you had no limits of time, money, support and energy ?? 

My online therapist asked me few days ago : what would you do if you had no limits ? No limits of time, money, support from others, energy, what would you do? Where would you go ? What would you create ? What would you own ? How would you give back ?

She asked me to write at least 20 things without overthinking it .. 
So here is what I wrote :

1. I want to become a psychiatrist to help people who may be suffering just like me 

2. Want to become a trainer to give workshops and presentations about self development and body language and other stuffs 

3. Want to help orphan kids with their studies by giving them monthly money and homes and support 

4. To learn and to develop my hobby in art specially in painting 

5. To have my own home designed the way I want 

6. To have part of my own home for animals like cats and rabbits .. turtles and fish

7. To write a nobel about my own life with my suffering with different medications and different doctors and different diagnoses and how I tried to overcome it 

8. I want to visit different countries around the world and see the different traditions and the ways of living 

9. I want to buy a new car 

10. I want to have classes in art therapy so I can teach and give people classes in art therapy 

11. I want to have a collection of all my old writings in arabic and english in one big book for me to remember and to keep for ever 

12. I want to be slim and healthy and loose weight 

13. I want to do laser for my eyes so I don’t have to wear lenses or glasses anymore 

14. To have my own library with all the books that I want to have and I want to read 

15. To go for Hajj in Mekkah 

16. To pay all debts on my father 

17.To help my brothers to get married if they want

18. To open projects for my siblings and parents and myself each in the thing each of us love for example for me I would like to open a centre for self development where there will be classes and workshops in art therapy .. in body language .. in problem solving skills .. time management .. etc .. and it will be with very low fees for signing up .. because the important thing is to spread the knowledge and not to gain money 

19. I want to try living alone in a luxury hotel and take care of myself by having massage and everything 

20. I will surprise everyone who helped me and stand by my side with a great gift that will make them speechless just to show them how thankfull I am and how much I appreciate what they have done to me
Then she said .. these are your goals .. keep them .. and try to achieve them .. stay focused .. 

It felt great to do this exercise .. It brought out my real goals .. 
So how about you close your eyes for a minute .. imagine that you have a limitless support, money, time and energey .. and tell us what will you do ? Where would you go ? And how would you give back ?

I really need your opinion .. ( a letter to my abuser ) .. 

I have decided to write a letter to my abuser .. and I was thinking to keep it to myself .. but when I finished writing it .. I felt that I wanted to give it to him .. I wanted him to know that he caused me pain and suffering .. I know it won’t be easy to face him .. and it may elict so many emotions and feelings .. but I think I may gain some relief after it .. 

I don’t care about what his reaction might be .. he might say I don’t remember this .. I was little .. you was little .. you are imaginig .. he might say different things .. I don’t care .. I just want him to know that the pain I feel is because of him .. 

Anyway .. I would like to share the letter with you guys .. and I will really appreciate your opinion .. shall I face him or what shall I do .. 

This is the letter :

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To the reason behind my pain and sadness .. 

To the reason behind my fear and misery ..

To you .. my cousin .. Abdulla ..
I don’t know if you remember or not .. but I know that I don’t forget what happened on that day .. when we were little .. when I was about 4 or 5 .. and you were around 7 or 8 .. we were in your house playing .. with your older brother and my little brother .. then you asked me to come to the playing tent .. I followed you because I didn’t know what you were up to .. you threaten me .. you said you will tell my parents that I started to take off my clothes in front of you if I spoke to anyone .. I was so scared .. I wanted to cry ..my tears were in my eyes but you said don’t cry .. you said to me take off your t-shirt .. and I did that with fear .. you started to touch my nipples .. I wasn’t comfortable at all .. you didn’t stop at that .. you asked me to 

 off my pants and you also touched me .. I was freezing in my place because of the fear .. then you took your pants down and showed me your penis .. you let it touch me down there from front and back .. and then you asked me to touch it .. not just that .. but then you also asked me to kiss it .. I did that while I was shaking and wanted to cry .. you were smiling and that’s what I hate now when I remember these things .. after you let me wear my clothes .. you threaten me again and reminded me again not to tell anyone about this and not to cry .. so I did what you asked me to do .. 
Do you remember that ?! I know we were little .. but I can remember it so clear in my mind as if it is happening in front of me now .. it’s so hard for me to remove the picture of what happened from my mind .. when I look at the body parts of me that you touched them .. I remember what happened and I feel so uncomfortable .. I even started to hate these parts and avoid looking at them or touching them .. and of course when I look at you I remember .. so I avoid that too .. I know that you are now a good person and what happened before happened when you were a child and maybe you saw someone or was only curious .. I don’t know but I know that you caused me a lot of suffering now .. maybe when I was a child I was able to stay quiet and forget about it .. but it stayed there all these year then pop up .. you have no idea how worthless you made me feel toward myself .. how useless .. how broken .. how fearful .. how weak how helpless .. I kind of lost strength and faith in myself .. you let me struggle with myself again and fight again and try to stand on my feet .. and it is so hard for someone like me who is already suffering from anxiety and depression .. 
Sometimes I wonder if I am blaming you or blaming what you did or it doesn’t matter .. I really don’t know .. right now I just want to feel okay .. normal .. peaceful with myself .. and not to look at you as a source of threat .. because you can’t hurt me .. so why do I get a panic attack or feel sick and about to vomit or shaking and terrified when you are there !! you won’t harm me .. you can’t even touch me .. so there is no sense behind my over-reaction .. I need to control that .. 
Abdulla .. hating you is taking a lot of energy from me .. besides .. I am not sure if I can hate you for what you did as a child .. so I have been thinking .. and I guess the best thing is to let go of this .. to let go of these feelings of hate .. of anger .. of fear .. I don’t know how am I going to do that .. but I am going to remind myself whenever I feel them to let go .. I will try this .. and I really 

 it works .. because I am sick of crying everyday .. in my room .. in my car .. with my cats .. in my shower .. everywhere I am alone I cry .. I feel tired of crying .. 
Anyway ..I said what I have .. I had to write this letter .. forgive me if it is upsetting .. but I had to write it ..

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Waiting for your comments ..